Expect the unexpected Pt 2: Life is a balance of good and bad stuff.

I didn't intend to do a part 2, and never did.

But that's just exactly how it's meant to be...expect the unexpected mah.

Anyway, I was at the results show for the first quarterfinals of PSS, guys and girls. I must say, I was quite shocked by the turn of events for most part of it. But i feel that everything happens for a reason, so no matter how shocking or unexpected things are, we should take it in positively. There is no point feeling angry or sad and thinking up all sorts of conspiracy theories that someone out there is trying to get you. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise. I think such things are, but just a step in your journey of life.

I guess that's why I didn't take it as hard as most people do. I don't think that's being heartless or cold-blooded or feeling no emotions. I feel disappointment and sadness and shock too. It's just that I choose to see matters in a more positive light. I hope I'm being positive instead of skeptical anyway.

So, it's things like these that makes you really drive home the point to not expect too much. Don't expect people to do things for you out of their own willingness and heart, but if they do, appreciate it. Don't expect things you see happen to others to also happen to you, just because people have it and you don't. Maybe it just makes you a better person that you don't have it as good as others. Don't expect to be treated nicely or treated like you want to, even if you see your friends or people around you being treated in a certain way. It may make you take things for granted. Don't expect the same of others. People are just not the same, and one relationship is different from the next. Nothing is written as a rule that all relationships should follow.

I guess I still have a long way to go, since I still tend to expect a lot from others and myself. Being human is just difficult. You need to manage your life, your emotions, your expectations, your happiness, your sadness, your satisfactions and your disappointments.

Anyway, was just singing this song the other day and I thought I'll put it in.

隐形人

无论你肯或不肯我都选择等
等到你结束好久探险的旅程
要是没有寂寞陪衬
没有途中的灰尘
你怎会向往家门

你越是想要诚恳其实越残忍
伪装不了你对我漠视的眼神
你不许我听信永恒
不许我迷信我们
不许我奋不顾身

多想化成隐形的人掩饰我伤痕
给你我的体温好帮你驱走寒冷
看不见也能感受心疼
我想化成隐形的人隐藏我的泪在翻滚
我在你凌乱世界留下的指纹
对你是没心跳的一个吻

朋友都于心不忍责备我愚蠢
但他们都回避我执着的眼神
可知我对爱的虔诚
可知我迷信我们
可知我难得放任

Expect the unexpected.

It has been a rather queer and mind-boggling week.

And I'm gonna be slightly cryptic again, so bear with me for a while.

With the way how life is going and seeing competitions happening all around (three that are I'm involved in directly or indirectly right now), I can't help but become a bit skeptical of how things turn out. There are just some things you expect to happen and some you don't. Some things you wished happened, and some you just cannot avoid them happening.

It's just like life.

Sometimes you expect people to change for the better. Sometimes, you don't expect them to change but they do. Either way, the experience may be a pleasant or unpleasant one. You can't say for sure, cause everyone is different in the way they do things, the way they experience things, and their motives for doing so.

The tide was calm for a while...but I'm beginning to foresee a little bit of ripples coming forth.

You see shadows of the past coming up again, and you can't help but wonder if it's gonna happen all over again.

Cross your fingers!

Art imitates Life; Life imitates Art.

Busy busy busy. As usual, been busy with work. Actually, that's all I've ever been busy with. It's even more busy now cause it's the end of the year, more classes, more events, MC Super Idol and PSS is coming up. Tons of things to do. Never-ending things to do. Same as before. Same thing now.

Despite all the that, I've still managed to squeeze some time to have a life. Met up with Stef. We had a nice lunch at Marmalade Pantry at Palais Renaissance. It was such a nice place with nice ambience and nice food. Stef and shirley got me a philosophy fragrance, a little mirror and that nice lunch! Talked endlessly with Stef and desperately wished shir was with us too. Sigh...hugz babes! It was a good talk. Gave me a lot of perspective on many many issues, and very happy to know that Shir and Stef are happy doing what they are doing. Yes Stef, we need to look for our own fulfilment.

Went to watch the first QF round for PSS. Was sitting at Maxi's area cause I got tix from her. I think I made quite a racket there...slightly embarrassed at my hyperactivity. You just get sucked in by the whole mood and euphoria. Got tired even before Maxi started singing. wahahaha...Anyways, JIA YOU Maxi!!! Don't be disappointed! I think you did well, so must have faith in yourself...and in the voters too. wahahaha...(get the hint?!?!)

Had dinner with TT, Yeok, KT and Ja at New York New York yesterday. Food was that great but it was OK. More importantly, we finally met after much trials and tribulations. The gals got a cake and me and TT celebrated our birthday (albeit mine a bit belated). My first cake this year. Though I couldn't eat the cake, it was still fun to soak in the mood and make wishes and blow out candles. We just reminisced about old times and how other people were doing. Some things never change I guess.

My nights have not been the same.

Cause I've been caught up in a whirlwind. Totally immersed myself night after sleepless night.

It's called Princess Hours.

haha...or else?!?!?!

I'm at the last disc already. The show has totally sucked me in without me knowing. I guess it's not just the story, or the characters, or the beautiful clothes that has had such an addictive effect on me.

You know how sometimes we wish we were the characters in a show?

Well, for the first time. I actually know the characters in the show. It's pretty mind-shattering because it's as if the writers had been stalking me and taking my lines to put in the show. Of course, we all know that is not true. It's just that, I seem to remember myself saying the same things at certain points of the show. And I remember just as clearly that I got the exact same responses. It's pretty unnerving and unsettling.

Well, like I said, I'm hooked. So hooked that I borrowed my sis's portable DVD player so I could watch the DVD on my way to work. Yes...I am maaaaaaaaaaad.

I have 2 more episodes to go. My sis has been telling me that Ep 23 is the best. And that the story has a nice ending. An ending that I would definitely like. That's good then.

I hope my ending would be just as nice.

Of Birthdays and Bangkok

I'm never one who is a sucker for birthdays.

Happy birthday to me...

Actually, the best part I like about birthdays, whether mine or others', are the presents. I love to give presents, and I equally love receiving them. So anyway, thanks to those who wished me happy birthday. I replied most of them pretty late coz I was on my way to Bangkok when most of the wishes came in. Oh! And thanks for all the pressies! I love them all, no matter big or small.

Yeah, and like I said, I'm never one who is a sucker for birthdays. So, I fled to Bangkok on my birthday. The trip was also my birthday pressie...so yay!! Went to the usual haunts...Chatuchak, Discovery Centre, MBK, Siam Square, Siam Centre, Siam Paragon, Chinatown and most of all, Suan Lum Night Bazaar (you must say it with a Thai twang...suan lum nite bisaar~). Went there on all 3 nights and always brought stuff back! wahahahaha...Oh yes, and I ate authentic Thai food on the roadside! Nope, I didn't get a tummyache.

So, some pics from my trip there.

My stuff at the end of Day 1 ...

A few other photos didn't make it here cause I don't know why.

Actually, there isn't much to update. Nothing much happened on my birthday except that I got presents and I went Bangkok. Didn't celebrate or much less had a slice of cake even. I can't even decide if it was one of my best or one of my worst birthdays ever. Ah well...I guess I'd settle for not too bad.

And as for Bangkok, I didn't take much pics and we did mostly shopping and eating and playing dai dee on our handphones. Dat's it. So nothing much there either.

Anyway, some stuff in my life are being sorted out now. I hope things will settle down in time to come. I don't know lah. Guess just take things a step at a time. Whatever will be, will be. I must learn not to linger or ponder too much. Sickens the mind and soul. Cheerios~

HAI....YAH!!

I start off this post with a sigh...(sighs...)

Why? I don't really know why. Well, maybe I do but it's not a single thing...it's an accumulation of things. Circumstances, personalities, emotions, etc etc etc...

The first thing on my mind would be me and jealousy. I used to think I don't get jealous easily. That I can tolerate a lot of things. Well, I kinda doubt it now. I think I am pretty jealous-prone. Maybe it's circumstances. Maybe it's personality (mine or the other half's). Maybe I just need to feel a bit more special than others.

There are acquaintances.

Then there are friends.

And close friends, maybe best friend.

Then lovers/boyfriend-girlfriends.

Then life partners (whether married or not)/soul mates.

I'm just gonna take family out of this because blood is thicker than water, so it's different.

Wait! Where does "fans" come under? Will they go from being acquaintances, to friends...or even close friends? Then what is the status quo? I know some supporters OR "fans" who eventually become friends, and even close friends. Nothing against them at all because without these people, a lot of things do not happen.

But just a question. You do have to draw a line between students and teachers. Yeah sure, you can be friends, but there is always a line you do not over-step. That's respect. And it's different from just chatting with a college old buddy because there are roles of authority. What about "fans" and "idols"? Do you draw a line? How much do they know about your life, or how much do you tell them?

I am really, really confused here. It seems there are no clear-cut answers. I see different things happening to different people. Some relationships get really bizarre. I don't know which part of these relationships are screwed up enough to make them so bizarre. Is it the environment? Or the people? Or the person.

By the way, I don't have an agenda here... but I somehow figured out today that 2nd chances are hard to come by. So, if 2nd chances are not cherished, I will not be humiliated for my lousy judgement or beat myself up over sheer stupidity.

I will not tolerate another time if 2nd chances that I give are taken for granted again.

Yes. That's it.

Know what I really hate? I hate I can't be straight to the point in my own blog. Yes, I admit that I am an exhibitionist. That's why I blog. So people can read my thoughts. If I didn't want people to know my thoughts, I would write in a proper diary. So here's the dilemma or irony...

The Exhibitionist is unable or incapable of exhibiting her life.

We're halfway through October!

Didn't plan on blogging today cause I just wrote such a LONG and SERIOUS piece a couple of days back. I tell you, it was the hardest entry to write.

But well, since my sis have a new lappie and I got bored...

Let's see. Woke up at 1pm today. HAHAHA...FINALLY!!!!!!!!!! SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I slept for a whole 12 hours I think. Felt damn shiok man! When will I get such luxury again, I wonder?

Went to have lunch...Pasta Mania. Ate my favourite beef lasagne. I swear I will try cooking that some day soon! I must! How can you cook everything but not know how to cook a favourite dish? It just doesn't make much sense. And so, I WILL DO IT...soon...haha

Then I went to play arcade, my favourite pastime on Monday. If you choose the right game, you could spend the least money wasting the most time! How effective! Didn't play my Time Crisis 2 today coz some brats were hogging the machine. I suspect there's a group or gang of brats conspiring to hog the machine so nice people with little free time, like me, can't play the game. DRATS!

Walked around a bit, though I've walked through Causeway Point probably a million times. I realised there's a Voxy at Metro. COOOOOOOOL. Only $10 for a basic mani, and $5 more for french mani. CHEAP!!!!!!!!!!!! I shall go there soon for a french mani! Too lazy to do my own manicures lately.

Then I watched Rob-B-Hood!!! OH MY GOD! The baby inside is soooooooooo cute! He has the most adorable face and beautiful eyes and lips! And he can kan jing tou very well! So clever!!! I wan!!!! hahaha...(*maternal instincts at work)

After dat, had MOS for dinner. Yummy! Another favourite!!! I bought the "High School Musical" VCD to do as homework. My vocal kids class students have been bugging me to teach them High School Musical and I am just totally clueless about it. So I need to keep up with the times, if ya know what I mean. Bought the VCD so hopefully, I can do the MMO for the songs and teach my kids the songs. MAN! I am such a pushover sometimes!

That's it I guess. I seldom write lame stuff about my life in my blog since I hardly have the time to do it. It feels kinda weird, in a good way. Ah well, we are halfway through October, which just means I have not much money left in my bank to last me till the end of the month.

MUST.NOT.SPEND.UNNECESSARILY.

Discoveries...

I've discovered some things.

I discovered that trust must be earned. It can also become misguided, or misplaced. Once this trust has been taken for granted and you betray the trust given to you, you cannot expect to gain back the same amount of trust anymore. Not until you prove yourself worthy of that trust again, and it would take a LOT more than it once required.

I discovered that some words go away after a while, even when you stare hard into them for hours on end, and some words stay forever with simply one glance. It really depends on how hard these words hit you in your gut. It would just keep replaying in your mind, and you just don't know when the words will dissipate so you have some peace.

I discovered that I should always trust myself and believe what I feel. Instincts should never be side-stepped for anything else, because if you cannot trust yourself, who else can you trust?

I discovered that you never know the true face of a person. One could say one thing and mean another, lie and pretend to be someone else that they are not.

I discovered that I have many people who love me and care for me, and would listen and be there for me, without having to be physically around. They will always be on my side, cheering me on, and boo-ing those who hurt me. (Author's note: Thank you!)

Discoveries aside, I have experienced what I wished for years ago. Let me just say, that was the dumbest, most stupid wish I have ever made.

Nevertheless, I wouldn't trade anything for this. It has opened my eyes to a world of discoveries and what could be. It has also given me more than what has been taken from me.

A word of advice, or warning...(it really depends on what your inclinations are)

Words can be a powerful tool. As a communications grad, I think I am qualified to say this. Besides, I think it's common knowledge. Words can bring you to high heavens, and it can also condemn you to the deepest abyss.

Especially when the media is involved.

Though they say that there is no such thing as good and bad publicity, you can be sure that words can do as much harm, as it can do as much good. Never underestimate the power of the pen, because that would be naive, gullible...and just plain dumb.

Remember: Words can MAKE you, and it can also BREAK you.

Enough negativities for the night.

I realised I have been caught up in my own world that I haven't said anything good to anyone. Since it's SUPERSTAR season, I guess I might as well make my blog relevant and useful. So whether the following people read my blog or not, here goes nothing...

Shiyu & Diya

YAY!!! Really happy that you two made it! You guys (ok...and gal) are soooo talented, I don't expect anything less. haha...pressure!!! No lah, seriously, I'm really glad for you both. I feel so proud to have once shared the stage with you two. Superstar leh!!! Do your best and do us proud! Let the world (or Singapore) see what you're made of!! JIA YOU!!!

Mao Mao Maxi

Haha...from day 1, you kept telling me to take your number and go audition on your behalf. I'm glad you perservered to the very end, and I'm also soooo happy that you made it too. I promised that I would tell your story in my blog. I'll do it soon, before the TV broadcasts start, so that the world (or Singapore) will know your story, and VOTE for you! Don't worry, I'll vote for you too. HAHAHAHAHAHA...if only they knew...hiak hiak hiak...

Darren, Dawn, Veron and Kewei

Congrats!!! Swoon the public over with (in respective order)...your smile and charming voice, your charisma and uniquely distinguishable voice, your energy and personality, and your sincere and groovy voice. Jia you orh!

Oh yes, the MC Super Idol has finally started! Good luck to all those auditioning!!

everything is much better...for now.

u should never ignore your intuitions.

i was right about something bad coming up...so the week was just significantly worse than the other weeks. but i'm glad it became better by the weekend. coz if it didn't, you'd see me do a magic trick -- me disappearing before your own eyes!! wow!!!

so i just lost like 1kg, but i'm gaining it back already. never knew i could lose any weight, since i've been pretty much THE SAME in like...err...7 years? hahaha...

anyway...good news and bad!

the good news is, a lot of people from MC got into the Top 24. diya, shiyu, darren, maxi, dawn and veron. happy for them! kewei got in too! congrats people and just do ur best and have fun with the process k?

bad news...tony and zijie didn't get in. but i guess life's like that. it's fated, whatever happens, so cheer up guys! something will eventually work out for u, i believe so!

i had a bit of time to read my past GP essay. i kept a couple of them from my JC days. read those that garnered me 30+ marks (not easy k?!?!?!). i realised...i'm dumber now. hahaha....i'm amazed by JUST how cheem i sounded...it's unbelieveable that i wrote those and thought so much about certain stuff. i really DUN remember how i did it. i even kept the one FLUKE essay that i did towards the end of my JC years. i remember that i really didn't have the mood to write the last essay, so i just anyhow wrote one which was about 1 1/2 pages long. my tutor used to tell us that any essay less than 2 pages long (without line breaks) was a sure-fail! i really didn't care...just wanted to get it done, so i chip-chopped it and got it done in less than 1 1/2hrs. i expected to fail...but somehow, by some miracle, i passed! 26/50! even when my tutor saw my paper, she wanted to scold me for doing shoddy work, but all she could say was "this is a fluke...u are very lucky!"

hahahahahaha....those were the days!

i just wanna digress a bit and tell the world that i finished a CARL'S JR burger for the 1st time!!!! i never finish their burgers coz they are sooooo huge! but i was starved yesterday...so everything went right into my tummy! yummy...love the chilli cheese fries too!

i'm in the mood for some drinking. either wine or beer...doesn't matter. it's just that i haven't went out to chill in a long time! kinda miss it. somebody! anybody! jio me for drinking session ok?!?!?! it's like a craving...oooh....

alright lah. that shall be all for now. cheerios~~~

my regular monday rantings

yes, ladies and gentlemen. it's monday again. how time flies...it's OCTOBER already.

anyway, just the other day, i heard lili say something which brought back a lot of memories. it's something that i remember proclaiming in one of my blogs years back and writing a whole opinionated piece about it that i think my GP teacher would have been so proud of. the sacred phrase is...

"ren2 shi4 fan4 jian4 de4."

and yes...so true, so true.

it really is. one minute, something could be the BIGGEST thing you'd ever done or ever been in, and the next minute, once the door is shut on your face...it becomes not worth it. well, somehow, that thing was worth your time, money and/or effort when you want it. sometimes, we know...or rather, we have an idea of what may or may not happen. you do something, knowing full well that, like all things in the world, it could go one way or another. when it goes the way you want, everything is fine and dandy and you are the king/queen of the world. when it goes the other way, totally against you, you lament about how life is unfair and blah blah blah...

yeah...everyone goes through that one time or other. i think i may have done it myself.

so i say, ren shi fan jian de.

but i'm not dissing anyone lah. as much as i don't like hearing such stuff or seeing such stuff, there's nothing much i can do anyway. i can't control other people's lives or tell them to do or say things lah. the most i can do is rant in here, and hope and pray that i don't become the person that i preach about.

ok, anyway, i'm NOT in an angsty mood. in fact, today has been a rather good, relaxing day. i felt really good despite the lack of sleep (couldn't sleep until 4.30am coz my brains have this inate ability to think too much). i wish this day could have gone on and on without intermissions, but time stops for no man.

anyway, i started thinking about gossips and rumours, in a general sense. some celebrities, or familiar faces, like to keep their status a secret, while some just don't really care and tell people that they are/are not in a relationship. i mean, i understand that sometimes, it courts bad publicity (if there is SUCH a thing as bad publicity). i mean, look at jenn & brad, bennifer, jay and patty...etc. it didn't do them good, right? but then, i look at the situation in singapore, and i really don't think there is any comparison. y? coz the market is so small, the place is so small everyone knows someone, and seriously, we don't really get very affected but such news. not as much as those overseas anyway.

anyway, my point is...i really wonder what would the backlash be like, if people knew that their idol suddenly became...un-single? i mean, they go on and on about supporting them for their talents and hard work and determination (and probably good looks lah, oh please!). so what if they were not single anymore? does that mean you don't support them as much? since when did being in a relationship made one LESS talented, LESS hard-working, LESS determined?

hmm...food for thought, ain't it? can you imagine the poor gal/guy who has to be kept at an arm's length just so that no one would know? funny eh, nobody thinks of the other person, just coz he/she is not as important as the famous face. nobody knows how much the other person has to tolerate, has to sacrifice, has to compromise (by compromise, it means give in), or how much insecurity/jealousy/anger/sadness he/she goes through and can't tell, can't show.

now, what do you think of that idol of yours now?

and isn't it wierd that so far, in all the major talent shows/competitions in singapore, only GUYS have won?

there are just days that pass and you keep thinking if whatever you have done in your life is exactly what you want. then, there are also days that pass and you wonder if life is good or not?

i have been having quite a bit of free time lately. i really don't know if that's good or bad.

there is an ominous feel to it though. somehow, i have a slight hunch that something is gonna go wrong, or something bad is gonna happen. bad to me? bad to the people i love? or just something generally bad? don't know...but it isn't a good feeling that's for sure.

and i don't like this feeling. it haunts me somehow. i feel tension, so much so i get kinda restless and yet, kinda on-the-edge.

i hope i'm wrong. i keep telling myself that i'm just being over-sensitive and psycho-ing myself out too much.

but anyway, i will do something i often do right now.

DIGRESS.

i dug out my Meteor Garden VCD coz i just had a sudden urge to catch it all over again. if i complete the whole series (i'm at episode 4 now), it'll be my 11th time. yeah...i'm a sucker for idol dramas and in particular, fairytale romance. i sometimes wish my life was a bit of a drama, so i can write it into a script and see it being acted out. that'll be fun. but i dun think my life is interesting or DRAMA enough to be written into a script.

come to think of it, if people really knew the full story of my life thus far (and i mean, every single thing), it would make a really good drama production.

how would i describe the story? it would be one story of true friendship, pursuing passion, secrets, sacrifices, and of course, like all true drama should have, the journey of love.

haha...

you know, the say that most scorpios live mysteriously. that's so true. i sometimes think i have a double life...maybe even triple life. my mum thinks i should go be a spy coz i'm so secretive, and i keep a secret well. haha...she's been saying that since i was a tween.

no, but seriously, it's not healthy to keep too many secrets. i know that, but somehow, it's inherent in me. plus, these are circumstances that i've signed up for.

oh well...there are things i can control, and some things i just can't control.

cross my fingers and hope for the best.