Weird Dreams Ushering in the New Year

it's 2 days to the new year, so lemme just say...

HAPPY 2007!!!!!!!!!

alrightey.

i've been having the weirdest of dreams. it's not scary, in fact more like things i do regularly like go out, eat, chit-chat, etc...the weird part is the people or objects that are in my dreams. like last night, i dreamt i was dating this guy whom i don't really know that well, and he's much younger than me loh. it felt OK, but it was just plain weird la. like why would these people appear in my dreams as if i have another life altogether.

kinda like my dream and my reality is all intertwined in some warped sense.

so anyway, i hope it doesn't mean anything cause it's just...eeee...weird lah!

but i did realised something from my dream. haha...this is embarassing...ok, i found out that i do like being cuddled and hugged...like guys being touchy feely...i think it feels quite nice. not an overload of PDA (public display of affection, for the uninitiated), but some amount of it does feel good, like you are being doted or something.

let me reiterate again...IT WAS A DREAM!!!

hehe...makes me all girly for some reason. wahahahaaa...

Anyway, we have a New Year's Eve Countdown show at Hougang Mall tomorrow. Which means that's where I'll spend my New Year. ah well...my first countdown show la.

OK...have a good 2007 everyone!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Hope everyone had a wonderful and joyous Christmas!!!



My Christmas wasn't too bad.

The X'mas Party at MC went pretty well. I had fun doing it, though it got really tiring. After that, went to celebrate X'mas the "adult" way, which means getting dressed up and drinking rose champagne and just chatting with good friends. I guess I got really tired because I had a massive headache.

X'mas eve was back to work for half-day. Then went out with Kite to Great World City cause it's pretty quiet there. Met up with Sylvia and Jay who just watched Curse of the Golden Flower there. Had dinner, then met up with the guys for coffee and dai dee at TCC. We watched Night in The Museum...and that show was damn hilarious loh! Haha..."my dum dum wants to speak" WAHAHAHAHAAAA~~~

Yah lah, then it was back home.

Thank you everyone who wished me merry x'mas and who got gifts for me, no matter big or small. I appreciate everything. Sorry i didn't send any msgs out or reply cause my fone was hanging perpetually. But I wish you all the same!

Side note: I got the mini water dispenser and bottle from shiyu and tony. wahahaha...I USED IT LIAO!!! thanks guys!!!

Yay...i have new wallet. MUACKS!

Thanks everyone, for the presents!!! muacks muacks muacks!!!

Time is of the essence!

it took me freaking forever to get to my blog! bloody pentium 2 ancient desktop i have at home. ..%^$#! can't wait for my new laptop to arrive!!

so anyway, have been rushing these past couple of days to get my xmas shopping done. i can safely say, it's more or less done. a little bit more to go...a bigger hole to burn in me pockets.

actually, the real fun in xmas and presents is not in the shopping, nor so much the giving. i figured, it's the wrapping that gets me really excited. thinking of how the person who is getting it will expect or not expect it...and everything that goes along with it! so i had fun wrapping the presents just now...until i ran out of tape. drats!

ok...i officially started the shopping and sussing of presents on friday noon, just before work at suntec. then, went late night shopping with evelyn, cat and their fren (forgot her name...oops!) at marina square on sat (coz they had extended hours). then went bugis after work on sunday night to look. continued today (mon - my off day) with jeremy, going all over the place to get more pressies. really tiring stuff man...poor jer had to not only walk a lot but drive a lot also...so i think his ass is sore liao. we went JB in the afternoon, then ikea where i got my wrapping stuff, then went bugis to meet tommy for a while, then went taka to finish up our present hunt.

and we are not done yet. yup...it never ends!

one last thing though...

i think xmas should be a time of joy and fun, and being surrounded by loved ones. it should be filled with happiness and appreciation for the people u love, who love you and who are around you. so i'm gonna enjoy this xmas and thank God that i have what i have. i'm not particularly religious (free-thinker actually), but i do believe that there is someone up there that sees and knows everything, and that my life will be played out exactly how He plans.

my mum told me the only thing she regrets is not giving us a religion (or something to that extent). so she told me to pray more and ask for guidance. yah...i think i will.

please stop raining...it's so dreadful!

Ma..Ma...Material Girl!

no no...not channelling my inner-Madonna.

just been feeling rather moody...and with the bad weather and xmas coming and all, i need a little pick-me-up. so it's time for the annual (or quarterly) I WANT list:

I WANT...

1. a new lap top. (i hope my application for the cable upgrade is approved, then i can get the lap top that is given free with the new contract!!!)
2. a new handyfone. (looking at the N80 or the pink shiny sony ericsson one...dunno wat model lah!)
3. and talking about pink...the PINK PSP!!! (yeah...tony keeps reminding me if he was a girl, he'll get the pink one...i geddit, i geddit...btw, sidetrack...i dun actually like pink dat much, juz feeling girly)
4. a new wallet where i can put notes, coins and cards and that can last me for a couple of years till i get rich enough to change to another one. (i know...my sis bought me a PINK coach one already, but it's more like a coin/key purse...so a bit small to put all my shit, u know? i still like it la...)
5. a trip to Hong Kong so i can go meet shirley and xiao tu...missing them...=(
6. followed by a trip to some relaxing place for a couple of days...do nothing...just sleep and relaxxxx...like bali or phuket or (my dream location) the maldives....ahhh~~~
7. ok...this is gonna sound wierd, but a small vacuum cleaner to vacuum my room. wahaha...
8. go to the new IKEA at tampines and imagine what i want in my home in future, buy things which i think i need but actually don't, and eat meatballs!!
9. watch happy feet. nope...still haven't watch it yet! drats!!
10. do a lord of the rings marathon, followed by a star wars marathon...i think i need at least 3 full days...2 to watch, 1 day to recover from the marathons.
11. get new spectacles...i can't be seen in my current pair...jian bu de guang!!
12. i got my sis a pair of gucci sunnies for her 21st birthday...i wan a pair too!!!

that's all i can think of...for now.

at the end of the day, all i really want are 2 things everyone wants...time and money! ha!

*Note to self: orh bi good! hiak hiakz...

bleeeahhh~~~!!

i actually thought of many many things to blog about.

but i'm a bit brain-drained already. so many things to do, to worry about and to think about...

oh, i haven't even started buying x'mas pressies yet...and i don't know if i'll have time to buy any. oh dear...there goes the moolah. HOW TO SAVE MONEY LIKE DAT?!?!?!

but it's ok lah. coz i like giving presents. just don't expect too much from me...hehehe.

anyway...

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRR!!!!!!!!

i haven't roared like that for a long time. hrmph...sometimes i wish everyone and everybody could just get along. or, just throw me at one remote paradise resort for one day so i can get away from everybody and everything and not have to bother about anything! can't we just eat, drink and be merry?!?!?!

ok...brain drain. really!

OH MY GOD!

I think it's gonna be the first time i'm saying this and i have a strong feeling this is only every gonna happen once in my entire life (unless by some miracle it happens again...).

I think my dad really understands me!!!

Anyway, let me just side-track a bit and digress (as usual).

This week was one hell of a week! I did a spa perm on monday, thanks to my uncle Jason, WHO IS THE DIRECTOR OF CHOICES THE SALON AT CENTREPOINT LEVEL 4!!! There! i did my credits and advertising duties already. he's been really great, doing my hair since i was a little girl and most of the time, my hair comes out good. i really like the perm, though it's a bit messy now. anyway, monday was hell partly cause i had to go for a meeting and rehearsal.

bad news part 1: i din do well for the singing competition, but let's not even go there. my votes weren't even close, and my song choice wasn't the best...so add the 2 elements together, you get a concoction for disaster at a singing competition held at a pub!

but i don't really mind. it was fun for as long as it last. just remind me never to join a competition that requires voting. i was never miss popular, and still isn't. it's just a slaughter-house for me. bleah!

oh yes...then there was chalet. that's another whole rollercoaster ride by itself...but before i say more, i'll go back to my original topic.

I think my dad really understands me!!!!

i can't say it enough. i mean, i can probably count with 1 hand how many people in my life really knows what i want and understand it. 2 of which is stef and shirley...and i think i can finally add 1 family member in...and it's surprisingly my dad.

no offence to anyone, friends or non-friends, but i really think so. you may think you understand someone well enough because of blood relations, or close-ness or whatever relationship it is. but it doesn't work that way. i've been trying to tell people to back off in recent weeks or days, not because i don't trust or don't care. i know people care about me or are concern, but i really believe that there is a kind of concern that is reserved only for a special few and this kind of concern is matured and non-pressurizing.

this is what i believe in:

words have so many meanings and one thing can be mis-construed in so many way. words can heal and can also hurt. sometimes, things that you say, which you think are said out of concern for others, can actually hurt more than you know. especially when it involves spreading of information. each time it travels from one mouth to another, it may get twisted with your own emotions or it may eventually sound far worse than it is. that's gossiping. and gossiping isn't good, positive energy in ALL accounts.

i'm sure everyone has done their bit of gossiping one way or another. maybe i'm part of a gossip speculating around also. in fact, i'm quite sure i am. i guess it comes with not telling people too much things about my personal life. i mean, even my parents don't hear much about me and my life.

why? because every little thing i tell them eventually comes back to haunt me. it's like the "i told you so" or "see lah see lah!".

and i think i started shielding myself from all these things since years back. i think when i reach a certain age, i should be given the freedom to make my own decisions and face my own consequences. i don't think i'm stupid. maybe some decisions i make are based on my own intuitions and feelings, maybe head over heart, or maybe heart over head. but whatever it is, i really want to be responsible for my own actions. it makes me really upset when people think i cannot handle myself or i am incapable of taking care of myself. once again...i am NOT stupid. i am human. i get happy, i get sat, i get angry or frustrated too...and that may cause me to lose sleep or appetite or my zest in life for a while. it won't KILL me!

which is why i guard my privacy so zealously. i mean, of course i hope to let people know when i am happy and share my thoughts, but it has come to a point where maybe it's just not advisable to do so.

at the end of the day, i really thank and appreciate all the people who have showed concern over me and tried to keep me company or make my happy.

but happiness is short-lived if i cannot find my own happiness, my own way, even if the way may be filled with lots of disappointments and sadness and anger. but if through those miserable times, i can still find happiness, i think people should be happy for me.

which comes back to my dad. he told me something yesterday that made me smile and made me really appreciate him. i really felt that he supported me and understood me without having to do anything in particular FOR me or be around me physically or even have to listen to me.

Just like stef and shir. They never judge me. they don't say things about me. they really listen and support me in my decisions, no matter good or bad. and i do the same for them. we may disagree on each others' decisions or choices, but we give each other the benefit of the doubt, and trust that we will make OUR OWN decisions, live by the consequences, and survive the highs and lows.

so thank you dears. i miss you 2 really really badly, but i'm really glad and relieved to have known the two of you. don't worry. i'm fine. will email you soon to update you!

and i wanna thanks my dad too...for telling me "don't tell her too much!"

heehee...

i really wished...

it's been tough.

really really tough.

i know i haven't said anything to anybody, but that's cause i really don't want any feedback or advice or comments. so better not to let anybody know anything at all. talk is cheap...so i don't want to talk. thank u for caring, but please don't get the wrong info or ideas or watever it is.anyhow, i appreciate the concern, but they are my own battles to fight after all.

my head is swirling...too many things...

so i thot i'll just surf, read my mail, read some blogs randomly and hopefully catch up with some friends on the way.

but as i read the blogs...checked my friendster...it just feels worse.

i know it sounds really childish and really really silly, but there are just days where u wish u had the same things as some people, whether tangible or not.

in fact, most of the things i want are intangible, little things.

most of all, what i really wish for is to be seen as who i really am, all the different roles that i play in life, not just one...or two...or if you are lucky...three.

there are just days when i feel like i don't exist fully...and not completely by choice. for example writing in my own blog where i can't even be specific because who knows who is reading it. i think even real celebrities are less rigid than me.

i used to think that i made the right decisions about how i want to lead my life. that i should be understanding and be more sensitive about what i reveal or do or say. but now...when i see that sometimes it's ok to be open, and people appreciate you as a person more so (possibly cause you have nothing to hide), it isn't that bad. and i wish i could be accepted. don't we all?

so y can't i be the same? does my existence become a hindrance? a burden? a devaluation? an inadequacy? or an embarressment?

i have tried soooo hard to be positive and force a brave front. but the front breaks down with time...and it's been quite some time. i don't know how people do it...but i don't do it that well.

i have many inner demons. maybe too many. it makes me confused...and the confusion makes me angry...and the anger brings out all the bad energy. i look at happy people and i get angry, or maybe jealous that they are happy. that's why i have been trying to be alone...so i won't get all the negativity passed on from one to another. so i won't have any of those bad energy.

i want to just lie in bed for as long as i can and stay in the comfort of my thick comforter cause it's the only thing keeping me warm now. at least even if there isn't anyone to hug me, i feel like i'm being hugged. at least i can pretend that everything is ok and let the tv coax me to sleep. at least i can dream and live my life like i want to in dreamland.

waking up. dat's the difficult part.

to know that u have to start a new day again, and face the same demons again.

but really...

i don't know what to do.

i just wanna escape to my bed so i can get away from this world.

Please let me be...

I write this hoping that everybody around me reads it.

Some of you may or may not know, but I having many issues and things to handle with now. I know many people, family or friends, wish or hope to help me, but seriously, only I myself know what is really going on and how to handle from here.

I don't need advice.

I don't want to hear any gossips, whether true or not.

I don't want or need anybody's approval or disapproval.

I don't want or don't need anybody to tell me what to do because I am a big girl, I have brains and like it or not, I am more aware than you think I do.

In other words, I'm not blinded by anything or anyone or brainwashed or stupid.

So PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, don't make my life any harder than it is already.

I can handle it. And I will handle it.

Whether you like what I do or not, I don't really care. Because at the end of the day, this is my life and I decide how I want to live it.

If you love me, you will support me in what I do and just let me be. I think I am old enough to live and accept my own consequences, no matter good or bad.

Please.