i really wished...

it's been tough.

really really tough.

i know i haven't said anything to anybody, but that's cause i really don't want any feedback or advice or comments. so better not to let anybody know anything at all. talk is cheap...so i don't want to talk. thank u for caring, but please don't get the wrong info or ideas or watever it is.anyhow, i appreciate the concern, but they are my own battles to fight after all.

my head is swirling...too many things...

so i thot i'll just surf, read my mail, read some blogs randomly and hopefully catch up with some friends on the way.

but as i read the blogs...checked my friendster...it just feels worse.

i know it sounds really childish and really really silly, but there are just days where u wish u had the same things as some people, whether tangible or not.

in fact, most of the things i want are intangible, little things.

most of all, what i really wish for is to be seen as who i really am, all the different roles that i play in life, not just one...or two...or if you are lucky...three.

there are just days when i feel like i don't exist fully...and not completely by choice. for example writing in my own blog where i can't even be specific because who knows who is reading it. i think even real celebrities are less rigid than me.

i used to think that i made the right decisions about how i want to lead my life. that i should be understanding and be more sensitive about what i reveal or do or say. but now...when i see that sometimes it's ok to be open, and people appreciate you as a person more so (possibly cause you have nothing to hide), it isn't that bad. and i wish i could be accepted. don't we all?

so y can't i be the same? does my existence become a hindrance? a burden? a devaluation? an inadequacy? or an embarressment?

i have tried soooo hard to be positive and force a brave front. but the front breaks down with time...and it's been quite some time. i don't know how people do it...but i don't do it that well.

i have many inner demons. maybe too many. it makes me confused...and the confusion makes me angry...and the anger brings out all the bad energy. i look at happy people and i get angry, or maybe jealous that they are happy. that's why i have been trying to be alone...so i won't get all the negativity passed on from one to another. so i won't have any of those bad energy.

i want to just lie in bed for as long as i can and stay in the comfort of my thick comforter cause it's the only thing keeping me warm now. at least even if there isn't anyone to hug me, i feel like i'm being hugged. at least i can pretend that everything is ok and let the tv coax me to sleep. at least i can dream and live my life like i want to in dreamland.

waking up. dat's the difficult part.

to know that u have to start a new day again, and face the same demons again.

but really...

i don't know what to do.

i just wanna escape to my bed so i can get away from this world.