Just not meant to be...

no more puppy.

both of them died coz the mummy dog dunno how to take care of them.

sigh...i even collected 1 month's worth of newspapers already. and i had a list of doggie things to buy.

guess i won't be needing them.

this is such a horrible week. :(

i just have 1 thing left to say...

to the remaining lost souls:

OBSERVE...and see for yourselves. there are hints everywhere...so just see for yourselves.

gd luck!!

Aaaah!!!!

i keep telling myself...it's only another 3 days.

*ren dao~~~*

good news: countdown 1 completed - he's back with goodies!!!

An Explosion of Emotions

i hardly do this but i had to. yup...2 posts in a day!

CORNY: see previous post.

EXCITED: my aunt's dog genie finally gave birth to 2 little baby boys. i'm gonna get one of them. YAY!!! finally!! my own little doggie. i'm gonna love him like my own child, feed him, play with him, take photos of him and train him to bark with me when i sing! wahahahahaaaa...first, i need to think of a name. hmm...

AND SOME MIXTURE OF UNPLEASANT EMOTIONS: sigh...here we go.

i dunno how to say this. it's like all these pent-up emotions inside me, and today, i was honestly on the brink of doing an all-hell-break-lose-thingy. i didn't, coz i didn't wanna make things unpleasant. i mean, it's just a few more days, so why risk it?

this whole bunch of unpleasant-ness comes on 2 different levels.

sometimes, i dun understand how some things can become so misconstrued. sometimes u do things with the some intention and it gets turned around and becomes personal when it wasn't in the first place. i'm not the kind who will address issues that turn personal. 算了, 反正有些事情是无法解释, 也解释不了的. 可能说多了, 会造成更多问题, 或说了些不该说的. and i dun have the capacity and luxury of explaining.

but it gets to me when i feel like my silence is taken for granted. ok, maybe not just mine...but yeah...taken for granted all the same.

i'm not angry...just slightly disappointed. and also slightly amused by how things are playing out. i think it's really difficult to overturn trust issues.

the way things are, i always wonder why.

why?

i'm a ghost...

i have a feeling...

that...

i'll still be lingering around, making my presence felt.

hahaha...

coz i am ghost!

wooo~~~i'm gonna be around, haunting u...hahaha...

the countdown begins...

YAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWNNN!!!!

it was such a boring day spent!

i mean, yeah, it was nice that i got to sleep in late coz it's THE day off. and yeah, i did get to spend time with him. but i was literally rotting away with bad hallmark shows and massive channel surfing while he tried to sleep (coz he has an overnight flight). so there i was...trying to waste away time and chomping on my famous amos i got at tampines mall. his dad drove us to the airport and we had dinner and starsmucks. he needed the pick-me-up. haha...

and then i got so bored, i went to the cold storage at the airport and bought cup noodles (yeah, i know, normal supermarkets also have the same cup noodles). took the direct bus home...at least i have a direct bus. have a feeling i'll be taking that service pretty often. hrmph...

i must say though, he looks damn good in his uniform! wahahahahahaaaa...(there! i said it!)

countdown 1 begins.

okok...anyway, yesterday i bought a mag with allegra versace on the cover. she's the heiress of the versace empire, daughter of donatella and favourite niece of slained designer gianni versace. yeah...i know my fashion gossips.

ANYWAY...she's suffering from anorexia, and she's like 32 kg now. i used to think she was the luckiest girl in the world coz she was rich and pretty and all...blah blah blah...

in any case, she's thinner than me now and that's pretty scary. it made me think of my weight issues.

i don't have weight issues per se...not the usual ones anyway. i never had a problem like other people who were putting on weight. instead, i had problems PUTTING ON weight.

i'm not anorexic. i'm not bulimic. i just never gained weight easily. from as young as i remembered, i was always small or thin. as i got older, i grew vertically...and that was the ONLY reason why my weight went up. but my bones have always been small, and i've always been skinny. i remember measuring my waist in secondary 4 and it was like 20 inches. if i sucked in my tummy, it was 18.5.

i think i have always been a bit insecure about myself because of my size. i know some people think i must be so lucky that i can eat all i want and never go on diet and how so many people wished they were in my shoes. yeah...in a way, i am lucky that i don't gain weight easily, and have high metabolism and good genes.

what they don't see are the finger pointing, the nasty whispers, bitchy gossips from strangers or passers-by. or how about the inability to get clothes that fit because...well, i am at least an XS or size 00. i can't wear bangles or bracelets without adjusting...and my finger size is a size 6. i never get by a day where someone doesn't ask me how much i weigh or comment how skinny i am or blah blah blah...

frankly, it gets to me sometimes.

most of the time.

so what if i'm 35kg? or 21 inches at my waist or have wrists as small as a 3 year old? i'm eating well, and i'm healthy. i have never been extremely sick nor have any health problems. i haven't even sprained anything or broken anything before despite being the minor klutz i am. (touch wood!!!) so i shouldn't be judged, right?

right.

but the world is a cruel place. raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar~~~!!!

ok lah...enuff of me and my weight issues.

countdown 2: it's the end of the month soon.

april is coming~~~

i can't wait!

itchy fingers, twitching eye

actually...am pretty beat after this particularly challenging week. and the week isn't even over yet. argh...

but the itchy fingers got the better of me.

challenging coz of a number of things. still have many many things to do on a tight deadline, plus i went for 2 interviews this week already. they went pretty alright. will see if i get the 2nd interview in about a week or 2. till then, i still have things to clear at work...much to be done. i call it "do 2 sides in 1 site". bahh!!!

right, enough whining...

my right eye twitched the whole day today. mark and tommy said it means something bad is happening to me or could be a lack of sleep. i figured the bad thing must be pretty bad coz it was twitching badly the whole damn day. something much worse then the 3 blisters i had on my feet coz of pretty, painful peeptoes, or the hit on my funnybone or the cd file that hit me when mark accidentally threw it around.

anyway on my way back, my left eye started twitching.

so both eye twitching?!?!?!

i hope it just means i didn't get enough sleep. either that or the gods are confused about what signs to give me.

desperado...(this is gonna be a long one)

it's one of my favourite songs.

brought me my first singing competition win with dear steffie.

suddenly took it out to sing some days ago...and it brought back memories and thoughts.

incidentally heard it being played in MOS burger today.

and the song has been running in my head.

it seems like a sign.

so i thought i'll share it.


Desperado

Desperado,
Why don't you come to your senses,
You've been out ridin fences for so long now,
Oh and you're a hard one,
But I know that you've got your reasons,
The things that are pleasin' you
Can hurt you somehow.

Don't you draw the Queen of Diamonds boy,
She'll beat you if she's able.
You know the Queen of Hearts is always your best bet.
Now it seems to me some fine things
Have been laid upon your table,
But you only want the ones you can't get.

Desperado,
You ain't gettin no younger,
Your pain and your hunger,
They're drivin you home,
And freedom, oh freedom,
Well that's just some people talkin.
Your prison is walking through
This world all alone.

Don't your feet get cold in the wintertime,
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine,
It's hard to tell the nighttime from the day.
And you're losin all your highs and lows,
Ain't it funny how the feelin goes away?

Desperado,
Why don't you come to your senses,
Come down from your fences- open the gates.
It may be rainin,
But there's a rainbow above you.
You'd better let somebody love you,
LET SOMEBODY LOVE YOU.

You'd better let somebody love you,
Before it's too late...



so anyway, i guess ever since saturday, most people know what is gonna happen around MC already. we've been giving all students a letter/notice. finally, the official notice is out (after many alterations). i know i shouldn't be saying this but gosh, it's really been soooo long. a lot of reasons why and one of them is that there were too many things to settle...and really, there's only me and tommy to do the work.

my job may seem or look simple or slacky...but it's really not. anyone who has really worked in MC will know. besides teaching, i have to do the the smallest things like reading/checking emails, empty the garbage, follow up with all the sponsorships, do a breakdown of costs and benefits, cut/edit music, do up ads (change and change until everyone is happy, and the size and colour and fonts are perfect for printing), liaise with the ad sales people and editors, type notices, letters, agreements, issue payment vouchers, invoices, quotations, make sure the bosses go for the events, change their schedules or classes in 2 hours notice (sometimes even less), deal with suppliers, vendors, tally sales figures, tally the money, do the petty cash reimbursements, sometimes help tommy (who does a whole lot) to call students or answer the fone calls or settle their fees, get new students to sign up, clean the TOILET, move keyboards up and down, play jigsaw puzzle with the schedule board, handle performance schedules and repertoire, have people calling me or messaging me on my day off about school or work, and still need time to talk to students (even though i really apologize with u if i can't talk or i seem preoccupied). i hardly have a life to to anything else, unless it's late at night loh...and waste money taking cab back (omg! the midnight surcharge can kill!).

i'm not complaining lah...it's quite shiok to list out all the things i do though. hahaha...like writing resume, "Work Experience"! hahaha...it's really been a very fruitful nearly 2 years at MC working...3+ years being around MC...from student, to choir member, to instructor and to full-time staff.

back to the job. i wun say i've done a very good job or been great at everything, coz i haven't been. i've been humbled though. been told that i dun have EQ, have a bad attitude, have heard people bitch about me either directly or indirectly, been lied to, told off, scolded, blamed, cried, walked off, apologized, swallowed my pride, felt useless, sad, betrayed, angry, disappointed...amongst many other emotions (good ones of coz, but nobody wans to see or hear the good stuff).

well, i still dun think i have a lot of EQ or wonderful personality, and i doubt the whole world loves me, but it's ok. i've always been lucky to have a bunch of people who always stood by me no matter wat. people in or out of MC. some people come...some people go...but i've always felt that i should cherish what i have coz we never know what can happen. it's a rational thought. i've kinda been trained to not see everything in black and white, or to hold on to things that u should let go of.

well, i'm still NOT sad. i think in time, i'll see things in retrospect and realise even more so, how fortunate i am to have had the opportunities that i had.

and i feel really comforted and happy when people tell me how much they appreciate what i've done or encourage me or have just stuck by me all these time...even though the ratio of that to those who can't give a half-*ahem* about me is probably 1:50. haha...

so yeah...i guess i'm done for now.

:)

(i hope i dun regret writing this post.)

I Want To Make A Point.

i know i've been posting loads (relative to my once or twice a week or two).

and i'm not gonna digress because in this post, i have a point to make.

i don't know who is gonna read this, and i don't quite care.

the point is this:

with whatever is happening at u-know-where, i think many people are making a big deal out of nothing. yes yes...i know it is a MAJOR thing, but seriously, i dun think it's such a huge deal that everyone is making. like it's the end of the world.

no, it's not the end of the world. not the end of anything.

in fact, it's a wonderful beginning (as soon as everything can GET settled) and i think it's something worth celebrating. it's a new beginning for everyone and to be fair, both of them are happy about it (if and when it finally happens). it's not some ugly spat and in my own opinion, it's nobody else's business besides the two. it's like a relationship you know. you don't really have any right to stick your butt in it unless you're in it.

so it really cheeses me off when i see people taking it negatively or making it a really terrible thing. what's worse than this is when i see people gossiping about either of them and making false and unfair judgements or unnecessary comments and irrelevant opinions about them.

EITHER of them.

it's something i simply cannot appreciate because it does nothing for anybody. it's hurtful and sends out misconstrued,uninformed and shallow messages/ideas.

plain ignorance.

yes, of course it'll be an emotional turn of events, but hey...at least they'll be HAPPIER.

so for goodness sake, get a grip!

better still, just put a lid on it.

Listen

Listen,
To the song here in my heart
A melody I've start but can't complete
Listen,
To the sound from deep within
It's only beginning to find release

Oh, the time has come for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own
All cause you won't
Listen....

Listen,
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home, in my own home
And I tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Oh!
Now I'm done believin' you
You don't know what I'm feelin'
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..

You should have listened
There is someone here inside
Someone I'd thought had died so long ago

Ohh
I'm free now and my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside on words
Into your arms
All cause you won't
Listen...

Listen,
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home, in my own home
And I tried and tried
To say what's on my mind
You should have known
Oh!
Now I'm done believin' you
You don't know what I'm feelin'
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..

I don't know where I belong
But i'll be movin' on
If you don't....
If you won't....

LISTEN!!!
To the song here in my heart
A melody I've start
But I WILL COMPLETE!
Oh!!
Now i'm done believin' you
You don't know what I'm feelin'
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice, you think you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own...

My own...





love this song...

Chocolatessss

i have a lot of chocolates.

and even before i finish 1 box, i got another!!! yummy!!! -muacks-

and 2 weeks ago i bought these yummylicious chocolate wafer from candy empire, and i only finished 2 out of the packet of 18. then last week, i went cold storage and bought these yummy chocolate cookies and milk because i had cravings for them after finishing a packet of famous amos the day before.

raaaaaaaaaaaar!!! that's why my throat is not perfectly well yet! haha...

but i don't mind.

coz chocolates are nice. especially when they are gifts (hee...). and i like my raspy voice when my throat isn't perfectly well. it sounds better when i sing! more emo...more feeeeeel-ring....haha

and hopefully, i'll gain back all the weight that i lost in the last year. crap! it's harder than you think it is. i've been stocking up on chips and instant noodles for my nightly fix.

ANYWAY...it's nearly half of march gone...slightly less than 3 weeks to the end of the month. before you know it, it'll be april. till then, there is still much to be done. i have many things to say and write about, but i'll do it at a better time.

*cross my fingers* i hope i get some response.

DOUBLE ANYWAY...decided to put a little pic of my beckie in here.

he loves biscuits and fresh gardenia white bread.

i need to do this.

i tried to curb my strong desire, but i had to write something.

i have rage.

strong rage.

and disgust, and anger, and annoyance, and irritation, and dislike towards all THESE people.

all THESE irritating pains-in-the-ass and thorns-in-my-flesh. if i had my way, i would hunt them down, dig them out, skin them alive, gut them and torture them inside out.

some days, i wish i could be more confident and self-composed and not be affected by THESE losers. it makes me feel weak and spineless and negative.

but i'm a scorpio, for pete's sake! i could bloody hell kill u with a single fatal sting and you'll be begging on your knees, regretting everything and wishing you hadn't met me. yes...ALL OF YOU!

just...you...wait.

Travelling Random Thoughts

i always loved travelling, and i don't just mean going overseas.

even sitting on a bus or mrt, taking a long ride to work or home. it can be really therapeutic and is really a good time to think about stuff and see the world pass you by. i remember all the times when i got really upset over different things and just taking a random bus or mrt or both to dunno where. no destination. no plans and itinerary. just let the damn vehicle move till i wanna get off.

so anyway, these couple of days have been pretty sureal. i keep having really random thoughts while taking the train. i've done lots of thinking on trains before, but these couple of days have been slightly different because...it just feels different. so different that i started writing them down in this little notebook i always carry in my bag.

but noooooooooooooo.........i'm not gonna say everything in here.

too personal.

but i'll reveal this much. a lot of it has been my future. work, family, money and what my life will be in 5 or 10 years' time...or even 25 years. i'm hitting the quarter-of-a-century later this year and that's a little intimidating. i kinda remember thinking when i was younger, what expectations i had for myself when i reach 25, and i doubt i've done half of it. somehow, whatever i have done or achieved or been through, they just don't add up to those expectations.

there isn't anyone or anything to blame for. it's just a milestone in my life and i wish i did more or fulfilled more. but that's life...it's so dynamic and ever-changing, you can't wish for everything to come out perfectly as you planned to or wish for.

so anyway, on the way home today, i realised that lists are reeeeeally useful. i did a little list a few months back and most of it came true!!! so i decided to get a hold of myself and give myself a break. don't be negative or think negatively.

i decided...

i'm gonna give myself a nice present every birthday from this coming year onwards!

this year...my 25th birthday...i shall treat myself to a nice trip to JAPAN!

next year...i shall go switzerland during winter and visit my cousins and aunt and uncle there, for the FIFTH time!

and the year after...i shall buy myself a BIG SOLITAIRE DIAMOND RING!!! (or the biggest i can afford...hahahaha...)

okie...so far that's all i thought of. i think i shouldn't plan too many years ahead. god knows what my life will turn out to be!

We r going to the ZOO ZOO ZOO!!!

I LOVE THE ZOOOOOO!!!!

So we (as in my sis and i) decided it's time we took our long-put-off trip to the zoo. YAY!!!

Getting all prep-ed up - shades, cap and cooling wear! (yah, haven't taken down the CNY deco)
then we headed to macs for a quick breakfast!

whilst on the bus...we sang, "we are going to the zoo zoo zoo! how about you you you?

you can come too too too! we are going to the zoo zoo!!!"

TADA!!!!!! we've arrived!!!

and we got the tickets to prove it! ONWARD!!!!

how else to get around the zoo but a nice, rugged jeep?

no lah...we took the tram instead. gonna see loads of camera-whoring here...(isn't that THE pt?)

1st stop: children's world. we didn't eat kfc, but took it anyway. (oops! chopped my sis up)

see the baby gooooooat!!!! beh~~~ behh~~~

next stop: insect world...damn gross madagascar cockroaches! EEEKS!!!

time to stop for the animal show...but first, more pics of ourselves!

AND WEEEE~~~! the show starts! there's the sea lion (or something like dat), snakes, monkeys, and an otter named pedro that advocates recycling (he's been at it forever).

and after the show, we saw this mischevious little monkey attracting a crowd. he was very very cozy HANGING around people. hahaha

and we saw this cutie right next door!! awww....so cute....he's small too!

as you can see, i'm all psyched up to see my favourite animal!!!

THE WHITE TIGER!!! AHHHHHHHHH~~~!!!

and more white tigers!!! meet omar, winnie and jippie!

and back on an australian outback JEEP!

and presenting 3 of the 5 elephants at the ZOO!! they are also damn cute. i have a ton of pictures with the elephants and some are of them SMILING!!! so cute lah!!!

komali is the matriach of the elephant family, and that's her foot VS mine. man!

after nearly 4 hours at the zoo...we are half-gone...but...

we HAD to take a last trip to see the POLAR BEARS!!! meet sheba and her baby inuka (he's not a baby anymore, he's HUGE sia!!! that's him in front!)

and we were quite sad to leave...=( until the next time!!! BYEEE!!!

we took so many pics and saw so many animals, but i can't possibly put them all here. anyway, i hope to go back to the zoo again. it was about 4-5 years since my last visit i think. hopefully it ain't gonna take another 5 years before i visit the zoo again. till then...

"we went to the zoo zoo zoo...how about you you you..."

one last one for the road...

and so, my 11 days of break from work and intermittent return to civilisation and real world is coming to an end.

no more living the free-and-easy life of a tai-tai, walking down town and window shopping just because i had nothing better to do. no more finding a cafe to sit down and sip coffee just coz i want to, or to spend time. no more bowling because we have nothing else better to do. no more walking around on weekends...during DAYLIGHT!

say goodbye to the late nights with total disregard for the next day. playing or staying out late till there is no tomorrow, coz technically, there ain't tomorrow to think about. what is sleep? nothing but a waste of time that i have in abundance, for those 11 days at least.

wave auf wiedersehen to living like a semi-housewife. go out during the afternoons for lunch, and then walk around a bit, before making my way to the supermarket to do some grocery shopping. and then make my way back home to cook for my loved ones at my own leisurely pace. and if it's too early, there are always dvds to rent/buy and watch at home. cook dinner, eat dinner and after that, take a nice hot bath and plop myself on bed for a nice sleep.

yeah...i kinda enjoy that too.

well, it was great while it lasted. it's back to work tomorrow, though technically, it's not real work yet. i half-dread it though. it feels like such a nice break and so, a good time to start everything afresh. i guess in a way we are all starting afresh.

i hope the new (lunar) year brings us all to another level, a better one!!!






and it can start with the toto draw tomorrow.