there are just days that pass and you keep thinking if whatever you have done in your life is exactly what you want. then, there are also days that pass and you wonder if life is good or not?

i have been having quite a bit of free time lately. i really don't know if that's good or bad.

there is an ominous feel to it though. somehow, i have a slight hunch that something is gonna go wrong, or something bad is gonna happen. bad to me? bad to the people i love? or just something generally bad? don't know...but it isn't a good feeling that's for sure.

and i don't like this feeling. it haunts me somehow. i feel tension, so much so i get kinda restless and yet, kinda on-the-edge.

i hope i'm wrong. i keep telling myself that i'm just being over-sensitive and psycho-ing myself out too much.

but anyway, i will do something i often do right now.

DIGRESS.

i dug out my Meteor Garden VCD coz i just had a sudden urge to catch it all over again. if i complete the whole series (i'm at episode 4 now), it'll be my 11th time. yeah...i'm a sucker for idol dramas and in particular, fairytale romance. i sometimes wish my life was a bit of a drama, so i can write it into a script and see it being acted out. that'll be fun. but i dun think my life is interesting or DRAMA enough to be written into a script.

come to think of it, if people really knew the full story of my life thus far (and i mean, every single thing), it would make a really good drama production.

how would i describe the story? it would be one story of true friendship, pursuing passion, secrets, sacrifices, and of course, like all true drama should have, the journey of love.

haha...

you know, the say that most scorpios live mysteriously. that's so true. i sometimes think i have a double life...maybe even triple life. my mum thinks i should go be a spy coz i'm so secretive, and i keep a secret well. haha...she's been saying that since i was a tween.

no, but seriously, it's not healthy to keep too many secrets. i know that, but somehow, it's inherent in me. plus, these are circumstances that i've signed up for.

oh well...there are things i can control, and some things i just can't control.

cross my fingers and hope for the best.

i'll be nice for a while...

i think i'm slowly getting out of the negative state of mind. that's good i guess. i'm trying to psycho myself to be less negative, less irritated and less angry.

i try lah, huh?

in any case, we had a little surprise "visit" by kym ng. she was at MC to choose songs that she had to sing for an event in JB. so i help to choose some moderately fast and light songs. then she wanted to record them, but anthony wasn't free, so i helped her "produce" the 2 songs. she's really really nice and down to earth. very funny and very positive. she doesn't have any airs about her at all! wow! i feel a bit overwhelmed by her presence. she just gives off this glow about her.

ok...now i'm just raving...i shall stop.

thailand is in a state of emergency. i hope everything will be fine there, coz i will be going there soon for my seasonal shopping spree, plus i have friends and relatives there.

ok, i digress yet again.

i was reading entries of a diary...like an actual BOOK diary ah, not blog. i wrote those way back in 2001, when i just entered university. i didn't realise it then, but i really did nothing except study during my first semester. i think i really missed studying at that point coz i hadn't done any studying for about 6 months. so when uni started, i was really excited about doing a course i like and genuinely looking forward to projects, presentations and all. i mean, i hated exams all the same, but i seriously studied hard for the exams even though i thought i didn't. Ended up doing REALLY well for my first semester...my best ever in fact.

it all went downhill from there. haha...nah, not that bad lah.

anyway, i also read about all the stupid and silly things i've done or said, with stef and shir especially. i dun remember much of the exact stuff we did, but reading them brought back tons of memories. i truly believe we all have our "dumb" past. hahaha...it was hilarious.

so i'm keeping a physical, proper diary again. just for kicks.

i miss stef and shir. shir is dancing in HK...good job gal! i know u are doing well there so keep up the good work! stef has been busy flying. i hope she is taking good care of herself and getting enough rest too!

ah~~~those were the days, my friends. =)

trial and error

These are trying times, people. Trying times.

I'm the kind of person who likes to experiment with stuff and do things by trial and error. That's how I learn.

I just spent about half an hour trying to figure out how to get my sidebar back to the right SIDE...as it should be, instead of at the bottom of the posts. I just kept changing the html in the only way i know how...trial and error. I finally got it, so that makes me feel pretty good. I'm satisfied now.

I wanted to rave about the Jay Chou's new album, Still Fantasy.

Note: "wanted".

I think my excitment and enthusiasm with sharing my thoughts of the album is suddenly suspended. To be honest, I'm pretty down.

Down to a new low.

Partly coz i've just got a visit from a "relative".

Yeah...that one.

And then, I got pissed off at work for a couple of stuff. Pretty pissed that I don't wanna mention it coz it'll just fill me up with molten hot rage again. And to make matters worse, I had the worst MRT crowd around me on the way home. Got pushed, shoved, suffocated and stepped on.

I am quite sure the whole world is against me.

And so I hate the world for that.

So, just basically feeling like crap.

F***!

I don't even know what to write anymore.

Irony:
Just read the cover of a past issue of CLEO. It says exactly this: "I'm ugly, stupid and unsuccessful" Join us in the campaign to fight self-loathing



Very...funny...loh...

NOT!


No offence to anyone, but SCREW THE WORLD!!!

(P/s: I don't need comforting or anything like that...but thanks for the thought anyway.)

Karma~karma~karma~karma~ karma~karmelia~~

I think it's a human thing for people to take things for granted. That's how the world works, because that is as human as you can get.

I don't deny...sometimes I do take things for granted without me knowing. I'm sure everyone does too. But I try not to think that everyone owes me or better still, try to give without asking for returns. I think life is much simpler and better when it's like that.

Then, there's also something called karma, which I kinda believe in. For the uniniated, it means that whatever you do or say will come back to you. It's pretty cosmic. Like if I said you're fat, I'll probably be fat in the future (Errr...not the best of analogies here).

In any case, I'm being slightly philosophical because I've been seeing and hearing people take things or granted...like it's MEANT to be like that or it's SUPPOSED to be this way and that way. I don't really buy that. This may sound pretty passive but that's just that. Yes, yes, we do have to strive hard and be determined to get what we want...you know, go ALL OUT to achieve things. But I've been thinking...what we get back...is it "returns of investment" or have things been given to us.

I do feel that we have been given things easily. In fact, too easily, that we don't think about where it came from or how it's been given to us. The sacrifices behind them, the stories, other people's hardship, determination and humility, etc. Quite simply, we just take it for granted. I know I've done that sometimes...

And the other thing we humans like to do? Compare.

It's all a vicious cycle. We compare ourselves to others in similar situations like us, usually in similar BUT better situations than us. And we wonder why is it that other people can have what they have, and we don't. Nobody really compares downwards. What others see as chances and opportunities, we see it as it's SUPPOSED to be like that. Why? Maybe coz we think we're better than them or we have a slight edge over them. But having something more doesn't mean anything if you don't work hard enough or have the humility to do better. It doesn't make us feel any happier too...coz you waste half your time thinking why you were not given things JUST LIKE OTHER PEOPLE.

But everybody is different. Every situation is different. I truly believe if we are appreciative of what we are given (without any 'BUT's), we'll live much more fruitful lives and be happier. Why make life so miserable?
I admit that sometimes, I get caught up in all the bulls*** that happens around me. But I try. I really try to just be thankful for everything I have, no matter how little or how big. I'm not religious...so I guess I just thank the people who have given me what I have today...and the cosmic forces too.

haha...

11.18pm on a Friday night.

As most people know...I DON'T HAVE A LIFE. Partly coz my job spans 6 days and the only day off I have is on Monday which is a day where no proper life exists. And the day off I have is spent on running errands, cleaning my room (a bit), meeting friends (if they are free) and cooking dinner for my family.

YES YES YES...I KNOW HOW TO COOK LAH!

So yes...it's the weekends but what are weekends but jam-packed days?

Alamak! It's the jolin and david tao song on radio now. YIKES! Ok lah...quite sweet, very un-david tao-ish.

Anyway as I was saying...I actually have something planned this weekend!!! I HAVE A LIFE, PEOPLE!!!!!!!!

It's Tommy's birthday this Sunday. He's celebrating on Saturday at this karaoke pub. WAHAHAHAHA...Drinking and singing...I LIKEEEE.............

Jolin in the house...DT~ in the house...Jolin in the house...DT~ in the house...

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need to get that song out of my system. Ive been waking up with that song in my head...especially that "in the house" part. OH MAN!!! Sometimes I just wake up with the strangest song in my head. I think today was some 90s song or something. I remember singing while bathing and I just stopped coz I grossed myself out.

So anyway, while waiting for Irvin to finish class today, I was BIAO-ING songs. Sang the new Ah-Mei songs and the Cao Ge's songs. SHIOK lah!!! I haven't sing so much for a while. Really shuang daaaooooooo!!!!

OK...I'm too hyper now. Think I'm too excited coz I finally get to write this LONG crappy post and it's nearly mid-night soon and I drank coffee just now and sang very HIGH songs!

Think I better stop.

Crap!

I think I'm just being stupid lah...

I'll probably regret it.

I hate my life.