i had been packing my room and came across all the old notebooks, organisers and diaries. i always write little notes, long essays or just common everyday observations in them. i still do.
anyway, how things change.
i can imagine how happy, sad, angry, nonchalent, excited, bummed out, etc i must have felt then. reading in retrospective is an eye-opener. i wrote things i really felt and these were harsh words any good friend would say to yourself. and yet, sometimes we don't act out what we already know, even when we know or even if friends tell us straight in the face.
i always tell people these were stupid times for me.
but i definitely wasn't stupid. it was one of those things that happen to you, and you learn not to make them again.
again, the mistakes were stupid. i am not.
i'm glad i stayed in touch with friends...people that truly matter to me, and cut out all toxic relationships. if the friendships didn't do squat for me, then they probably aren't worth retaining. if the people didn't do squat for me, then they aren't worth remembering.
i feel a calm wave of relief knowing where i am now. i am alive, happy, independent, and perhaps more important then ever, genuinely satisfied about myself. it's not a matter of settling for less or even settling. just truly satisifed. yes. life should be like this.
am listening to band music from my band days. oh, i do miss playing the trumpet and getting in the groove of it all. there is really nothing like music. every note, instrument, sound...it's amazing where music can bring you, and much more when you immerse yourself in it. i still have all my cds and musical scores and conductor scored. i would love to return to playing the trumpet again some day...regain those 11 years that i have lost in these times.
till the next time i flip my old writings again~~
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